Published March 24, 2008
by U.S.S. Intrepid
WASHINGTON — President Bush announced today that the deaths of 4000 American soldiers in Iraq proved that his strategy to destroy the American military is succeeding. “We scared them into enlisting with talk about mushroom clouds, then we invaded a country that hadn’t attacked us, and we didn’t even supply them with kevlar vests or armor for their vehicles,” laughed the president. “And with stop loss, we get to keep sending them back into combat over and over until we kill them all off.” An additional plus, said the president, was that such conditions and policies were leading to an overall decline in recruiting, further stretching an already overextended military.
The president expressed satisfaction with the quality of medical care wounded veterans receive in the U.S. as well. “Take what happened at Walter Reed,” he said. “We had wounded vets just lying in filthy beds, ignored by the people who were supposed to be caring for them. And with a health care system that works only for the rich, these folks who’ve risked their lives for their country get to come back home and end up sleeping in a doorway. You couldn’t ask for a better ending.”
Asked whether he thought his efforts had brought progress in the war on terror, the president energetically agreed. “Thanks to our total ineptitude, we’ve put 140,000 of America’s bravest people in harm’s way, giving terrorists an opportunity to attack them and gain valuable experience—a kind of terrorist training on the job.”
The president was particularly gratified by the alienation of our allies due to the administration’s abrogation of signed international treaties and contemptuous rejection of all efforts at international cooperation. “Almost everybody everywhere hates us,” he said. “I hope to make that sentiment universal by the time I leave office.”
“Just think,” said Bush. “By the time I leave office, the whole army may be reduced to a smoking cinder. Mission accomplished.”